Dear Confidence,

(updated version)

How are you? How have you been? WHERE have you been?
I haven’t seen you in a while; it’s just that I’ve been so busy, you know, going with the flow.
But maybe we could grab a cup of coffee sometime, so that I can let you know that I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for ignoring the truth, for constantly denying it again and again and again.
For every lie that tangled with the words creating a different sentence.
Practising to make every lie sound believable, practising for that perfection but accidentally making it all permanent.

I’m sorry for pushing you aside, for pushing you away in every uncomfortable situation that I’ve been in.
For every doubts that clouded my mind,
But never finding the courage to ask for an explanation, or just for a repetition.

I’m sorry for never standing up for you,
For always ignoring you when you always stood up for me,
You were the ‘maybes’ in my head,
The one who said that it was okay,
You were the one who soothed me through the pain, always showing me hope, always showing me that there is a next another day,
But I made you bleed confidence,
I let you down.

I let you down, when I didn’t tell my mother no, when I wanted to her no.
‘No mother, I don’t want to take medicine’ or ‘No mother, i don’t want to be a doctor, running around and trying to save lives’. Just, please let me try and save myself first.

I let you down when I didn’t step out from my comfort zone,
That this became my new found home,
That I’d rather watch time pass by than create a memory out of it,
Making reminders but never progressing further with it,
Always repeating the phrase ‘five more minutes’ but those five more minutes never came,
Those five more minutes became the next five more minutes, creating a chain of lost time,
Making my life just a span of just five minutes.

Regret is the single word that defines me now,
Sitting down and wondering what might have happened if I just listened to you,
But I was stubborn, confidence,
Stubborn when it comes to you, only you.

So I’m sorry confidence,
For pushing you away, pushing you over, until I became the push over.

One thought on “Dear Confidence,

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