It was at the age of nine when she looked differently upon herself,
She was only nine when she saw herself in a different light, a light that is dimmer.
she was only nine years old when her insecurities started to stack up, while her self confidence started to break down.
It was at the age of ten when she lost her innocence to the hideous reality.
Ten was the age when you’re supposed to have fun,
Laugh until your lungs burnt, to be free and not to worry about anything except for the fact that you’d be having broccoli for dinner, but it’s different now.
ten is there to remind you to have the time of you life,
as you weren’t tall enough to see beyond the wall,
it was a wall separating fairy tales from reality, milk from alcohol, moments from nostalgia, children from adulthood.
But now she regrets being so curious.
Ten was when she started questioning herself.
The clock strikes 12 but she was already bearing thirteen,
Everything she knew of was a lie,
Santa Claus never really existed,
The tooth fairy never came to tuck a coin underneath her pillow and there was no such thing as an Easter bunny,
It all felt like a cruel joke.
Lies made by adults to comfort the young ones from this world that we call home,
It’s become a tradition,
The plain white lying and faux hopes.
Thirteen was when she came to realize, that everything she knew were all just lies.
She was fifteen when she started to realize that she hated everything about herself,
Her body that barred fat in which it did’t seem complementory,
Her pestering acne marks that settled to their mapped out places,
Her adventurous hair that never seemed to settle down.
She was at the age of fifteen when when make up spoke to her,
She was intoxicatingly addicted to the illusion that it held for her satisfaction,
Make up was her little magic trick.
Fifteen was when she started spending more time in front of the mirror.
Seventeen came banging at her door and brought no self love with it,
She seemed to have hated her face without any make up on,
Her meals were always proportional, balanced in her standards,
She went around with the temporary people in her life,
The people who brought nothing but unnecessary moments into her life,
Whispering sweet nothing into her ears,
Hugging her while piercing their nails through her skin,
But what she hated the most was that she knew,
And she still choose to play along these rendezvous games,
Joined them when they criticised people, strangers and ‘friends’,
But she couldn’t confront them, She couldn’t stop them,
Sometimes she was the victim but sometimes she was the criminal,
Seventeen was when she hated herself inside and out.
Now she’s twenty still with a vivid vision,
she doesn’t know what she wants to be in life,
the people that she talked to everyday in high school drifted away,
she doesn’t know what they’re up to until she she sees an upload on social media,not bothering to double tap or like,
still wondering who’s snapchat ID is ‘Khloskyes’.
But she randomly drifts to the past,
Wondering how much time she wasted with the wrong people,
Regretting some decisions,
But she’s starting somewhere now,
Giving nothing but less than a damn to the world,
Twenty was when she was born again.